why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
