I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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