party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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