Capitaan dildo arrescate!
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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