maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
