I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
