I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
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