Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
