Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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