I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
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I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
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Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.