On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
