Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Randomize
