When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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