My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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