Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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