I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
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