when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
