so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
