i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
