Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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