I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
