Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
