Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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