my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
