He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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