I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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