I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Let's get the cat blown out
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
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