I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You're like the curious george of whores
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
