I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
