it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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