Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
