Well apparently he's into motor boating.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
