i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
