The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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