I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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