I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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