well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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