I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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