God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
