I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
