Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
