just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
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He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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