As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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