I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
