can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
