there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
