He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
