Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
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