you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
What did we do last night that was yellow?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
