my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
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