I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
