Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
