you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
