Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
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why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
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theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.