is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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