i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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