meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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