If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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