He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
