I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
