So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
