Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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